We have a small house. And by small, I mean teeny-tiny. When Denny and I bought if 5 years ago, we bought it for the two of us. Not even once thinking about the future and what the coming days might hold for us. No realizing that there might some day be more than just the two of us sharing that space. But the years have gone by faster than we ever could have imagined and two has turned into three, and come May, three will become four.
The only problem is, we don't have enough space in our house for all of our things and another person. And all of his things. The room that will eventually become the baby's nursery is now an office. And a storage room. And the closet holds all of my clothes because the master closet in only large enough to accommodate Denny's things. There is just so much stuff that we can't bear to part with, yet we have no where to put it.
Like my wedding dress. And the red dress and shoes that I wore to our wedding rehearsal. Things that I will never again wear, but that I must always keep. A sewing machine. A gun cabinet/safe which houses all of our important documents. A freezer. Yes, we have a freezer in a bedroom. Remember? There is no where else to put it.
And now all of this has got me freaking out. I am in Super Nesting Mode today and I just want to get rid of so. many. things. My husband, on the other hand, wants to get rid of nothing. For example, I would be perfectly fine with selling the Wii Fit - the one that we've had for a year now and have used maybe 5 times. (You can't really play video games when you have an almost 2 year old underfoot. With a new baby on the way, I don't see how we will ever have the time again!) It's funny how pregnancy hormones make you think so irrationally, isn't it? There are 4 1/2 months to go before the baby is due, and even then, he will sleep in our room in a bassinet for the first few months. But my brain is telling me that I must make a nursery for him RIGHT NOW. I'd better go get started.
Showing posts with label It's Not Easy Being A Mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label It's Not Easy Being A Mother. Show all posts
Hard
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother on by
Sorry I haven't been updating much lately. I've been substitute teaching for a girl on maternity leave and I just haven't had time. When I am here, there is no time for me to do anything because these children, let me tell you, are ridiculous. When I get home in the afternoons the only thing that matters to me is Emily. I don't care that my blog isn't updated. I don't care that the laundry is piled 4 feet high. I don't care that my sink is full of dishes. I just want to spend every minute with her.
Except for the minutes when she is napping. And then I'm napping too.
Working? And being a mother? It's hard. And it's not for me. I thought I had figured that out last year when I did this same thing, but I must have forgotten. I can't do this. I just can't be away from my baby.
I'll admit it; I'm lucky. Blessed. Whichever way you want to look at it, in the end I am very fortunate. I don't have to work. We can make it on one salary. I might not be able to buy everything that I want when I'm not working, but I certainly have everything that I need.
And what I need right now is to be home with Emily. I miss her so much and it just breaks my heart to leave her every morning. I've been working for 5 1/2 weeks. I only have 7 days to go and most days I honestly don't know if I'm going to make it until the end. Yesterday when I left here I was ready to never come back, but I can't go burning any bridges so here I am again today. I just cannot wait to be a stay at home mommy again. Emily needs me. I need Emily.
Except for the minutes when she is napping. And then I'm napping too.
Working? And being a mother? It's hard. And it's not for me. I thought I had figured that out last year when I did this same thing, but I must have forgotten. I can't do this. I just can't be away from my baby.
I'll admit it; I'm lucky. Blessed. Whichever way you want to look at it, in the end I am very fortunate. I don't have to work. We can make it on one salary. I might not be able to buy everything that I want when I'm not working, but I certainly have everything that I need.
And what I need right now is to be home with Emily. I miss her so much and it just breaks my heart to leave her every morning. I've been working for 5 1/2 weeks. I only have 7 days to go and most days I honestly don't know if I'm going to make it until the end. Yesterday when I left here I was ready to never come back, but I can't go burning any bridges so here I am again today. I just cannot wait to be a stay at home mommy again. Emily needs me. I need Emily.
Food Issues
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother, What Is Emily Up To? on by
I know that I can't expect Emily to eat anything and everything that I feed her. I also know that I should expect to have a few food issues with Emily now that she is a toddler, but My Lord, the issues. They are many, and they are fierce.
Like, she won't eat anything from a spoon. Oh, I take that back. She won't eat anything from a baby spoon. Because if it's on a baby spoon then it's obviously baby food and she is not a baby she is a big girl OMG. She will, however, accept food from our "big" spoons and forks. She might not always keep it in her mouth, but at least she lets us put it in. Sometimes.
Foods that used to be her favorites, like oatmeal, yogurt, and fruit are now her worst food enemies. Mainly because oatmeal and yogurt are eaten with a spoon, but the fruit thing is something else altogether. She won't eat fruit because it's cold. In fact, she won't eat anything that is cold. Except for cheese. She would eat cheese and only cheese all day every day and be totally happy about it (she is her mother's child - she totally gets that from me). But I do like for her to not be constipated, so, no.
It is very rare that she will let Denny and I put food into her mouth. If we have something to eat that she wants, we have to put in in her hand and let her feed it to herself. She wants to do it all by herself all the time, and that is why there are orange and red stains in my carpet from the carrots and strawberries that she spit out and stomped on.
Yes, when she doesn't like food she will spit it out and instead of handing it to me or putting it back on her tray, she will mash it into the carpet and smear it all around if I don't pick it up fast enough.
Here are the things that she will eat: cheese, hot dogs (gross), chicken nuggets sometimes, fish sticks, meatloaf, pizza (OMG she LOVES pizza) spaghetti (or any other type of noodle with spaghetti sauce), macaroni and cheese, eggs, omelets, ham, grilled cheese sandwiches, graham crackers, goldfish, pretzels, smoothies (I am totally tricking her into eating fruit with those) peas, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and that's about it. I am going to have to start shredding vegetables into her food and sneak them into her. She eats like a college boy, and it is disgusting.
She will not sit in her chair and eat, and I know that this is because she is a toddler and she cannot be still not even for a second, but it is really annoying. We have a "low" chair that is made to sit in an adult chair kind of like a baby booster seat, but we never actually put it in a chair. When Emily eats, we put the food on the tray and sit the chair on the floor so that Emily can walk by and grab a bite as she is running all over the house. It takes a while for her to eat.
Our pediatrician recommended that I try weaning her because she is so little - she only weighs 17 pounds - but she will NOT drink whole milk. I tried and I tried and I tried, but she just isn't taking it. I think she knows what I am trying to do, and she is not happy about it. I'm not exactly 100% ready to quit nursing, but I would like to be able to use the bathroom without her coming up to me, pulling up my shirt and taking a drink WHILE I AM ON THE TOILET. Yes, that really happened today.
But seriously, she wants to nurse all the time. She gets so full of milk that she doesn't have any room left for real food and that's why the doctor said I need to cut back. But that girl, she can get the boobies all by herself. There really isn't much that I can do to stop her.
She hates water. Hates it, hates it, hates it. Unless it is in my cup, in a cup with a straw, or in the bathtub. Gross. But she only gets very-diluted juice once or twice a day, and the rest of the time she gets water. If she is really, truly thirsty, she will drink the water, right?
Are these normal issues for a toddler her age? Is this just a phase that she is going through right now? Will she ever eat normal food? Please tell me good things because I read in a magazine that one couple had their kids taken away from them because they were too little and they were accused of starving them so they wouldn't be fat. I know, it is extremely unlikely that Emily is going to be taken away from us, but really, I worry about her so much.
Like, she won't eat anything from a spoon. Oh, I take that back. She won't eat anything from a baby spoon. Because if it's on a baby spoon then it's obviously baby food and she is not a baby she is a big girl OMG. She will, however, accept food from our "big" spoons and forks. She might not always keep it in her mouth, but at least she lets us put it in. Sometimes.
Foods that used to be her favorites, like oatmeal, yogurt, and fruit are now her worst food enemies. Mainly because oatmeal and yogurt are eaten with a spoon, but the fruit thing is something else altogether. She won't eat fruit because it's cold. In fact, she won't eat anything that is cold. Except for cheese. She would eat cheese and only cheese all day every day and be totally happy about it (she is her mother's child - she totally gets that from me). But I do like for her to not be constipated, so, no.
It is very rare that she will let Denny and I put food into her mouth. If we have something to eat that she wants, we have to put in in her hand and let her feed it to herself. She wants to do it all by herself all the time, and that is why there are orange and red stains in my carpet from the carrots and strawberries that she spit out and stomped on.
Yes, when she doesn't like food she will spit it out and instead of handing it to me or putting it back on her tray, she will mash it into the carpet and smear it all around if I don't pick it up fast enough.
Here are the things that she will eat: cheese, hot dogs (gross), chicken nuggets sometimes, fish sticks, meatloaf, pizza (OMG she LOVES pizza) spaghetti (or any other type of noodle with spaghetti sauce), macaroni and cheese, eggs, omelets, ham, grilled cheese sandwiches, graham crackers, goldfish, pretzels, smoothies (I am totally tricking her into eating fruit with those) peas, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and that's about it. I am going to have to start shredding vegetables into her food and sneak them into her. She eats like a college boy, and it is disgusting.
She will not sit in her chair and eat, and I know that this is because she is a toddler and she cannot be still not even for a second, but it is really annoying. We have a "low" chair that is made to sit in an adult chair kind of like a baby booster seat, but we never actually put it in a chair. When Emily eats, we put the food on the tray and sit the chair on the floor so that Emily can walk by and grab a bite as she is running all over the house. It takes a while for her to eat.
Our pediatrician recommended that I try weaning her because she is so little - she only weighs 17 pounds - but she will NOT drink whole milk. I tried and I tried and I tried, but she just isn't taking it. I think she knows what I am trying to do, and she is not happy about it. I'm not exactly 100% ready to quit nursing, but I would like to be able to use the bathroom without her coming up to me, pulling up my shirt and taking a drink WHILE I AM ON THE TOILET. Yes, that really happened today.
But seriously, she wants to nurse all the time. She gets so full of milk that she doesn't have any room left for real food and that's why the doctor said I need to cut back. But that girl, she can get the boobies all by herself. There really isn't much that I can do to stop her.
She hates water. Hates it, hates it, hates it. Unless it is in my cup, in a cup with a straw, or in the bathtub. Gross. But she only gets very-diluted juice once or twice a day, and the rest of the time she gets water. If she is really, truly thirsty, she will drink the water, right?
Are these normal issues for a toddler her age? Is this just a phase that she is going through right now? Will she ever eat normal food? Please tell me good things because I read in a magazine that one couple had their kids taken away from them because they were too little and they were accused of starving them so they wouldn't be fat. I know, it is extremely unlikely that Emily is going to be taken away from us, but really, I worry about her so much.
Mama Called The Doctor & The Doctor Said......
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother, What Is Emily Up To? on by
I have never been more happy to see a doctor in my whole entire life than I was this past Friday. On the verge of having self-diagnosed postpartum depression because of an ornery baby who would not sleep, I dragged Emily and myself into Dr. Z's office at the bright and early hour of 10:30 in the a.m., a time when we are usually still snoozing under the covers. But I would give up anything to get more sleep, and in this case, I actually gave up sleep to get it. Kinda weird how it worked out, but let me assure you that it did.
But before I get into that, here are Emily's stats. She is 28 inches long, up 3 3/4 inches from 3 months ago, and she weighs 15 pounds, 8.5 ounces. She only gained 1 1/2 pounds in the last 3 months, which has something to do with her sleep issues. But she's not underweight or too skinny. She grew in those 3 months, she just grew longer instead of heavier.
Apparently, I am starving my child. There is no reason why a 9 month old should not be able to sleep through the night, for at least 10 straight hours. Except that Emily does have a reason to wake up every 3 hours at night, and that's because she is hungry. I thought she was just being a pain in my rear. She doesn't eat very much solid food during the day and I assumed it was because she just wasn't hungry. But no, she is very much hungry and she just doesn't like baby food. She is now on a strict diet of table food and the yogurt and oatmeal that she will eat and does eat well. And since she wasn't getting enough food during the day to sustain her at night, she was waking up to nurse.
Another reason she was waking up (on days when she did eat a lot and wasn't hungry) was because she knew I would come running the moment I heard her cries. Oh, she had me trained. She had me trained good. Dr. Z said that I had to break her from that or she would just continue to do it and I really don't want to be up every 3 hours at night with a 5 year old. It had to stop at some point and that time is NOW. She suggested that I let her Cry It Out (CIO) and that she might cry for 2 hours before giving up and going to sleep on the first night we did it. And even though we have tried that before with no chance of it working, we tried again. We made sure that she ate just as much as her little tummy could hold yesterday, and at midnight (yes, midnight. We are night owls around here) I put her in her crib. She did not cry for 2 hours. Nope, not even close to that. She cried for 25 minutes. And do you wanna know how long she slept before waking up?
10 hours. She slept for 10 hours! 10 straight hours without so much as a peep out of her. And now that I have bragged on her she will probably not do that again for a month or two. But all joking aside, I did it again today at naptime. I put her in her crib for a nap and she began crying instantly. I took a shower so that I wouldn't have to hear her crying (it kills me. That's why she is so spoiled because I NEVER let her cry.) and she was asleep when I got out. She cried for less than 10 minutes this time and she's been asleep for over an hour already. It's working!
I am also going to start a bedtime routine so that Emily will recognize that every night before bed, Emily will recognize what we are doing and she can settle down and mentally prepare for bed. I have read a lot about that and I am hoping that it helps her to cry for shorter periods of time, or even better, maybe she will eventually not cry at all.
I also talked to Dr. Z about giving Emily formula so that I could get a break from her (and give her a break from me) for a few hours, a few times a week, and she could not believe that I never leave this child for more than 3 hours at a time. I really can't believe it either, but it's true. She not only encouraged me to take a break, she also gave me 2 cans of formula to use. I am sure that 1 will be plenty enough but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth so I gladly took it and now I am struggling with the guilt that I am actually considering giving Emily powdered, fake, disgusting-tasting milk. Oh well. We are going to give it a shot.
And so now we will all live happily ever after. I will not be depressed and sleep-deprived, Emily will get to stay at other people's houses (possibly overnight for the first time!) and she will also not be spoiled anymore, and everything is just going to be fabulous and perfect and wonderful forever and ever!
And no, I'm not at all delusional. I just have faith.
But before I get into that, here are Emily's stats. She is 28 inches long, up 3 3/4 inches from 3 months ago, and she weighs 15 pounds, 8.5 ounces. She only gained 1 1/2 pounds in the last 3 months, which has something to do with her sleep issues. But she's not underweight or too skinny. She grew in those 3 months, she just grew longer instead of heavier.
Apparently, I am starving my child. There is no reason why a 9 month old should not be able to sleep through the night, for at least 10 straight hours. Except that Emily does have a reason to wake up every 3 hours at night, and that's because she is hungry. I thought she was just being a pain in my rear. She doesn't eat very much solid food during the day and I assumed it was because she just wasn't hungry. But no, she is very much hungry and she just doesn't like baby food. She is now on a strict diet of table food and the yogurt and oatmeal that she will eat and does eat well. And since she wasn't getting enough food during the day to sustain her at night, she was waking up to nurse.
Another reason she was waking up (on days when she did eat a lot and wasn't hungry) was because she knew I would come running the moment I heard her cries. Oh, she had me trained. She had me trained good. Dr. Z said that I had to break her from that or she would just continue to do it and I really don't want to be up every 3 hours at night with a 5 year old. It had to stop at some point and that time is NOW. She suggested that I let her Cry It Out (CIO) and that she might cry for 2 hours before giving up and going to sleep on the first night we did it. And even though we have tried that before with no chance of it working, we tried again. We made sure that she ate just as much as her little tummy could hold yesterday, and at midnight (yes, midnight. We are night owls around here) I put her in her crib. She did not cry for 2 hours. Nope, not even close to that. She cried for 25 minutes. And do you wanna know how long she slept before waking up?
10 hours. She slept for 10 hours! 10 straight hours without so much as a peep out of her. And now that I have bragged on her she will probably not do that again for a month or two. But all joking aside, I did it again today at naptime. I put her in her crib for a nap and she began crying instantly. I took a shower so that I wouldn't have to hear her crying (it kills me. That's why she is so spoiled because I NEVER let her cry.) and she was asleep when I got out. She cried for less than 10 minutes this time and she's been asleep for over an hour already. It's working!
I am also going to start a bedtime routine so that Emily will recognize that every night before bed, Emily will recognize what we are doing and she can settle down and mentally prepare for bed. I have read a lot about that and I am hoping that it helps her to cry for shorter periods of time, or even better, maybe she will eventually not cry at all.
I also talked to Dr. Z about giving Emily formula so that I could get a break from her (and give her a break from me) for a few hours, a few times a week, and she could not believe that I never leave this child for more than 3 hours at a time. I really can't believe it either, but it's true. She not only encouraged me to take a break, she also gave me 2 cans of formula to use. I am sure that 1 will be plenty enough but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth so I gladly took it and now I am struggling with the guilt that I am actually considering giving Emily powdered, fake, disgusting-tasting milk. Oh well. We are going to give it a shot.
And so now we will all live happily ever after. I will not be depressed and sleep-deprived, Emily will get to stay at other people's houses (possibly overnight for the first time!) and she will also not be spoiled anymore, and everything is just going to be fabulous and perfect and wonderful forever and ever!
And no, I'm not at all delusional. I just have faith.
Barely Hanging On
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother on byIf there is anyone out there who still reads this pitiful blog, I'm sure that you have noticed that I am not blogging much anymore. I am almost a week late in getting Emily's monthly letter posted (again) and to be honest, I'm really not concerned about it. It will get typed someday, but not today. I'm just not feeling it.
I can't blog when Denny is at work unless Emily is asleep. The second I sit down at the computer she wants to be in my lap, punching at the keys with me and grabbing every. single. thing. that is on top of the desk. When Emily is asleep, there are so many things that I need and want to do, and blogging is just not on top of that list. I'd rather just nap right along with her or hang out on the couch doing absolutely nothing. Plus, she is such a light sleeper that tapping the keys would wake her up, even though she is in another room. And believe me when I say that I do not do anything to sabotage her naps.
I can't blog when Denny is at work unless Emily is asleep. The second I sit down at the computer she wants to be in my lap, punching at the keys with me and grabbing every. single. thing. that is on top of the desk. When Emily is asleep, there are so many things that I need and want to do, and blogging is just not on top of that list. I'd rather just nap right along with her or hang out on the couch doing absolutely nothing. Plus, she is such a light sleeper that tapping the keys would wake her up, even though she is in another room. And believe me when I say that I do not do anything to sabotage her naps.
Sleep is very precious and hard to come by these days. Emily insists on staying up past midnight every night and it is in the wee hours of the morning that I get time to myself. Once I am finally in the bed I find it hard to fall asleep and I toss and turn for what feels like hours. I can't settle myself down because I am constantly thinking that as soon as I fall asleep, she will wake up and cry for me to come and get her. Even though she is 9 months old and fully capable of sleeping through the night, she doesn't. And she hasn't since she was 2 months old. She wakes at least twice every night to eat and once she wakes the first time, it is impossible to get her to sleep in her crib any longer. I try to put her down but she wakes up as soon as her body touches the mattress.
These sleep issues are a major problem for me right now. This morning she got up at 9:00 a.m. (not by her choice, I woke her up) which is several hours earlier than normal. I thought that since she got up so early that she would go to bed early, but that is not happening. Actually, she went to sleep around 10:00 and she woke up when I put her in her crib. It is after midnight and she is currently playing on the living room floor. I cannot even begin to describe how distraught I was when she woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep. I cried. I thought things I should not be thinking. I wanted to hit something (not her). I wanted to go outside and scream. I wanted to leave and not come back until I got the call that she was asleep in her bed. I wanted the responsibility of putting her to bed to be lifted from my shoulders for just one night. I just wanted her to go to sleep.
That distraught feeling has been creeping up so regularly lately that it is becoming normal for me. I feel like I am barely hanging on for most hours of the day and I don't know how to make it better. I constantly struggle with guilt - I feel like it is my fault that she is the way she is, but in the back of my mind, I know that she is just a baby and her sleep issues and separation anxiety are normal and not nearly as bad as they could be. All of those feelings piled on top of one another, along with the sleep deprivation, are slowly pushing me over the edge.
I thought that postpartum depression was something that happened in the weeks after having a baby, but I googled it tonight and I am feeling a little relieved that only about half of the symptoms describe the way I have been feeling. I am also scared to death because half of the symptoms describe me precisely. I am not happy. I do not find joy in being a mother at this point in Emily's life. I have been joyful in the past, but right now, I feel more burdened by her than I feel blessed by her. It is so hard to admit that last sentence, but it is the truth. And it's not just the sleep issues. It is so much more.
It's the being with her 24/7 and rarely getting a break. It's the help that I rarely receive from my husband. It's the pooping right after she has had a bath and is in her "bedtime" diaper. It is the whining. It's the wanting to be held all of the time, especially when she is sleeping, which leaves me with NO free time some days. It's the lack of a social life. It's the struggling to make ends meet because I no longer bring in a paycheck. It's just so many things that make me dread tomorrow instead of looking forward to another day.
I never, ever thought I would do this, but I am going to give Emily formula. Shocking, huh? This does not mean that I am weaning her, which is good, because she is so attached to these bosoms that it would be stupid and pointless to even try. What it does mean, is that even if it's only for one day a week, I am going to have some time to myself without having to rush back before her next feeding. I am no longer able to get any milk out with my breast pump and because of that I can never be away from her for more than three hours at a time. I don't want to have to do that, but a few bottles a week is not going to kill her. I have breastfed for a lot longer than many women breastfeed their babies and I am proud that I have gotten this far without having to supplement. It's for my sanity's sake. It is better to give her formula than to *literally* lose my mind and have to take medication to feel better. It is better to give her formula than to risk losing my cool and hitting her instead of hitting the wall (or the door or my head).
I Miss It
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother, What Is Emily Up To? on by
I miss being pregnant. (Ok, so I don't miss being 9 months pregnant and miserable and the aching back and the constant peeing. I don't miss being told how stupid I was for not having Emily at the hospital and I don't miss being told that I couldn't give birth without an epidural.)
And that's ok. I can sleep when she's a teenager. And I can change her clothes if they get wet. Because one day, she will be a teenager, and I won't be able to hold her or sleep with her or take baths with her anymore.
But I miss feeling the little flutters and kicks inside of me. I miss the big belly and the glow and the miracle of it all. I miss my midwives and my birth center group and the check-ups. I miss hearing her heartbeat while she was floating safely inside of me. I miss the excitement and the planning and the nesting and the weekly fruit-size comparisons in my inbox.
I miss those first few days when Emily was a newborn and we would lay in bed together all day long. I miss those tiny newborn outfits and that cuddly baby all swaddled in blankets and nestled in my arms. I miss the 45 minute feedings and wish sometimes that Emily would nurse for more than 10 minutes so that I could hold her just a little bit longer.
I miss the meals that were brought to us. I miss Denny being home with Emily and I for those first few days. I miss how helpful he was with changing diapers back then. I miss it all.
I was sitting in Emily's closet last night with all of those thoughts running through my head. I was putting away her summer clothes - something that I have been dreading and putting off for weeks - and my mind totally got lost in the sadness of it all. She will never wear those clothes again. By next summer, she will not be my baby anymore. She will be my toddler. She might not be nursing then. She will be eating big girl food and she will be walking and talking.
And if I never have another baby girl, I will never get to dress another baby in those clothes.
But for right now, Emily is my baby girl. My teething baby girl who will not sleep in her crib but will only sleep in between Mommy and Daddy. She's my shadow who follows me everywhere I go (even into the shower).
The Bright Side
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother on byIf you read my blog on Wednesday or if you follow my tweets, you might already know that Emily is having a bad week. She had two awful days in which she just whined and wanted to be held all of the time. She has also had a few terrible nights and has had a lot of trouble sleeping, which in turn has caused me to have a lot of trouble sleeping.
And then today, when once again she wanted nothing but for me to hold her, I realized something. It could be so, so much worse than it is. So I tweeted this:
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days about just how good I have it. And then there was this post by my Aunt Becky and this post by the Thrifty Decor Chick that made me realize that I'm right: I have it good. Really, really good.
I might not have had a chance to eat lunch until 4:00, but at least I have food to eat. I might not be able to afford to buy a miniature white Christmas tree and all the bells and whistles to put in Emily's room (keep in mind that we already have 2 other trees going up) but at least I can afford to buy her Christmas presents. I might not be able to decorate my house for Halloween and Thanksgiving this year, but at least I have a somewhere to live. Emily might have a branchial cleft cyst in her neck which will have to be surgically removed shortly after her first birthday, but at least it is not life-threatening. And I might be up all night with a crying baby but at least I have a baby.
I know several people, both in real life and through blogs that I read, who want nothing more than a baby of their own. A healthy, normal baby. Some of them have had babies that have passed away, and some people are not able to even get pregnant. So I should quit complaining and be thankful for my daughter, and be glad that it's only a benign tumor.
Because it could be so, so much worse.
Have you looked at the bright side lately?
*Also, please go vote for Aunt Becky, from the blog Mommy Wants Vodka. It will only take a minute of your time and
A Bad Mother
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother, What Is Emily Up To? on byI can't do this. Not right now, not today. I can't be a good mother today.
I tried and I failed. Same story as yesterday. I feel helpless. There is nothing I can do to make her happy, and unfortunately, the only one she wants is me. She wants to be in my arms and nowhere else.
If I put her down, she cries. If Denny holds her, she cries. Up next to me is all that will do.
If I pull my nipple out of her mouth, she wakes. If I lay her down, she wakes. And cries.
Where is the baby from last week? The independent baby who played alone while I got things done. The sweet baby who would let her Daddy, her Granny, her Nana hold her while I got some time to myself - what happened to her?
Something isn't right. I think she must be teething. How long will this last? I don't think I can take much more.
I'm In Shape. Round Is A Shape.
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother, Me Me Me. It's All About Me on by
Ok, so I'm not that bad off that I can describe myself as being round, but I am definitely NOT in shape. Breastfeeding has gotten rid of all of the baby weight and I actually weigh less than I did when I got pregnant. But did you know that breastfeeding mothers store enough fat in their thighs to make enough milk to last for 3 days if there was a famine and they didn't have access to food? That might have been helpful to me if I had been alive 200 years ago, or if I lived in a desert in Africa, but I really don't see how I will ever need those fat stores. So although my tummy is nice and flat, my thighs? Not so nice. I need to do something about that.
After reading Lauren's post about running a 5K this December, I decided that if she can run over a bridge that is like, up high and stuff, that I could run here at home, where there are no bridges and I can stay on solid ground. I decided to try the schedule that she linked to here and I planned to get started this morning.
What further solidified my decision to quit wearing an indention of my butt into the cushions of our couch was when Denny and I were watching The Biggest Loser last night and I absolutely could not believe that Bob was trying to get one of the contestants to run on the treadmill for 5 straight minutes. I could not run for 5 straight minutes, and I weigh like, 1/3 of what that person weighed. But then they did it, and they made me feel like The Biggest Actual Loser instead of The Biggest Weight Loser, so I just had to exercise today.
And so I ventured out with Emily in the stroller, even though Bob and Jillian demand that you let go of the treadmill! Don't hold on!, but we all know that the stroller wasn't gonna push itself, so off we went, Emily, the stroller and I. First I was supposed to walk briskly for 5 minutes. Check! Then I was supposed to alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. Oh boy. The first two rounds were ok. But then I started noticing that my heart felt like it was gonna beat itself right out of my chest. By the end of the next round, my mouth was parched and I was pissed at myself for not bringing a water bottle. Then a few minutes later my thighs were on fire and I honestly didn't know if I could make it back home.
I thought about just sitting right there in the middle of the dirt road until Denny passed by on his way home from work (in 6 hours) and took me with him, but then Emily started whining and I remembered that I actually had to go home. I didn't do as good as I wanted to although I did jog for 5 of the 8 minutes that I was supposed to. By the time we got home I was completely spent. My arms and legs felt like limp noodles and I was honestly scared that my arms were going to give out and I was going to drop Emily on the way inside. I guess I will be stretching out Week 1's routine for another week - that is if I survive the rest of Week 1.
There is one upside to all of this: (ok, besides being in shape and not being ashamed to wear a bikini in public, although that whole bikini thing is useless to me now that summer is over) I have tons of energy right now. It took about 15 minutes for me to recover and be able to stand up again, but ever since then I have been on fire! I just can't stop doing stuff. I think exercising and I might get along this time. If it doesn't kill me first.
After reading Lauren's post about running a 5K this December, I decided that if she can run over a bridge that is like, up high and stuff, that I could run here at home, where there are no bridges and I can stay on solid ground. I decided to try the schedule that she linked to here and I planned to get started this morning.
What further solidified my decision to quit wearing an indention of my butt into the cushions of our couch was when Denny and I were watching The Biggest Loser last night and I absolutely could not believe that Bob was trying to get one of the contestants to run on the treadmill for 5 straight minutes. I could not run for 5 straight minutes, and I weigh like, 1/3 of what that person weighed. But then they did it, and they made me feel like The Biggest Actual Loser instead of The Biggest Weight Loser, so I just had to exercise today.
And so I ventured out with Emily in the stroller, even though Bob and Jillian demand that you let go of the treadmill! Don't hold on!, but we all know that the stroller wasn't gonna push itself, so off we went, Emily, the stroller and I. First I was supposed to walk briskly for 5 minutes. Check! Then I was supposed to alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. Oh boy. The first two rounds were ok. But then I started noticing that my heart felt like it was gonna beat itself right out of my chest. By the end of the next round, my mouth was parched and I was pissed at myself for not bringing a water bottle. Then a few minutes later my thighs were on fire and I honestly didn't know if I could make it back home.
I thought about just sitting right there in the middle of the dirt road until Denny passed by on his way home from work (in 6 hours) and took me with him, but then Emily started whining and I remembered that I actually had to go home. I didn't do as good as I wanted to although I did jog for 5 of the 8 minutes that I was supposed to. By the time we got home I was completely spent. My arms and legs felt like limp noodles and I was honestly scared that my arms were going to give out and I was going to drop Emily on the way inside. I guess I will be stretching out Week 1's routine for another week - that is if I survive the rest of Week 1.
There is one upside to all of this: (ok, besides being in shape and not being ashamed to wear a bikini in public, although that whole bikini thing is useless to me now that summer is over) I have tons of energy right now. It took about 15 minutes for me to recover and be able to stand up again, but ever since then I have been on fire! I just can't stop doing stuff. I think exercising and I might get along this time. If it doesn't kill me first.
Growing Up
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother, What Is Emily Up To? on by
I was reading on Kelly's Korner the other day about how she put her daughter down for a nap WHILE SHE WAS STILL AWAKE. And obviously she just expected her to go to sleep on her own. Was she serious? Does that really happen? Is she the only one, or do other mothers get their babies to do that too? Most importantly, can I get my baby to do that?
Apparently so. I put Emily in her crib about 10 minutes ago with her paci and her mobile music playing, and now she is sound asleep. Hallelujah! Emily is such an easy baby except when it comes to naptime and bedtime. I know I've mentioned this before, but usually Emily falls asleep while she's nursing and as soon as I try to lay her down, she wakes up, and then I'm stuck on the couch holding her for the rest of her nap. Bedtime has always been a bit easier, except for the whole Emily sleeping in our room (and most of the time, in our bed) thing.
We have been trying to transition her into her crib, and honestly, she is doing a whole heck of a lot better with it than I am. Last night she slept in her crib until she woke up at 5 a.m. to eat, and instead of feeding her in her room and putting her back to bed in her crib, I just scooped her up and brought her back to bed with me. To be perfectly honest, I want her in the bed with me, but because Denny has some major sleep issues, it's just not working out for us. There have even been a few nights (and I'm sort of halfway ashamed to admit this) that Emily and I have slept on the couch together. What can I say? I love having her close by, and it makes me feel so much better knowing she is right beside me if something bad should happen.
I feel like I am constantly digging my heels into the dirt, trying to stop time, or at least slow it down a little, and the whole time she just keeps growing up. Each day that goes by I see changes in her and I just wish there was a way to press pause for a while. Co-sleeping with her is one of the last "baby" things that she does, and for that reason, I hate to see it go. I feel like I'm losing my baby, but at the same time, I am so proud of my big girl.
Apparently so. I put Emily in her crib about 10 minutes ago with her paci and her mobile music playing, and now she is sound asleep. Hallelujah! Emily is such an easy baby except when it comes to naptime and bedtime. I know I've mentioned this before, but usually Emily falls asleep while she's nursing and as soon as I try to lay her down, she wakes up, and then I'm stuck on the couch holding her for the rest of her nap. Bedtime has always been a bit easier, except for the whole Emily sleeping in our room (and most of the time, in our bed) thing.
We have been trying to transition her into her crib, and honestly, she is doing a whole heck of a lot better with it than I am. Last night she slept in her crib until she woke up at 5 a.m. to eat, and instead of feeding her in her room and putting her back to bed in her crib, I just scooped her up and brought her back to bed with me. To be perfectly honest, I want her in the bed with me, but because Denny has some major sleep issues, it's just not working out for us. There have even been a few nights (and I'm sort of halfway ashamed to admit this) that Emily and I have slept on the couch together. What can I say? I love having her close by, and it makes me feel so much better knowing she is right beside me if something bad should happen.
I feel like I am constantly digging my heels into the dirt, trying to stop time, or at least slow it down a little, and the whole time she just keeps growing up. Each day that goes by I see changes in her and I just wish there was a way to press pause for a while. Co-sleeping with her is one of the last "baby" things that she does, and for that reason, I hate to see it go. I feel like I'm losing my baby, but at the same time, I am so proud of my big girl.
Time
Posted in It's Not Easy Being A Mother on by
I'm finding that the longer I am at home with Emily, the less that I get done. In the beginning, I told myself that I wasn't going to let a baby slow me down, and that I would keep on going just like I did before she was born. Ha! That might have been easy to do when all she did was sleep all day, but now? Forget it!
Now she can scoot all over the house, getting into more things than I ever imagined, giving me that much more to clean up. Now she eats solids in addition to nursing every 3 hours, which means that there are 3 more feeding times than there was 6 months ago, and also more cooking and more dishes to wash. Now she has separation anxiety, and Oh. My. Lord if I even think about leaving the room she starts throwing a fit. I've started planning my moves so that I can get more accomplished at one time, and I even made a list of things to do this morning. And it actually helped. I've gotten more accomplished in the last hour than I did all day yesterday.
I can find time to do everything that has to be done, but lately I am finding it hard to find time to do things I want to do. I want to blog more than I do, and I want to practice my sewing and actually finish the dress I started Saturday which still does not have buttons. Emily will not nap anywhere other than in my arms. I tried putting her down at least 5 times yesterday during her 2 naps, and each time she woke up before her head hit the bed. I just can't win. Either I sit and hold her while she gets the sleep that she desperately needs, or I let her stay awake and then we are both miserable. I know she will grow out of it soon, but sometimes it is more than I can handle.
I could blog after bedtime, but Emily stays up until at least 10:00, which is my fault, and by then I am ready for bed too. I need to transition her to an earlier bedtime, but then she would wake up earlier and ugh! I think I'd rather sleep late. Have I mentioned how much I like sleep?
How do other mothers do it? Do other mothers do it, or do they just make us all think that they do? Am I the only one that feels this way?
Now she can scoot all over the house, getting into more things than I ever imagined, giving me that much more to clean up. Now she eats solids in addition to nursing every 3 hours, which means that there are 3 more feeding times than there was 6 months ago, and also more cooking and more dishes to wash. Now she has separation anxiety, and Oh. My. Lord if I even think about leaving the room she starts throwing a fit. I've started planning my moves so that I can get more accomplished at one time, and I even made a list of things to do this morning. And it actually helped. I've gotten more accomplished in the last hour than I did all day yesterday.
I can find time to do everything that has to be done, but lately I am finding it hard to find time to do things I want to do. I want to blog more than I do, and I want to practice my sewing and actually finish the dress I started Saturday which still does not have buttons. Emily will not nap anywhere other than in my arms. I tried putting her down at least 5 times yesterday during her 2 naps, and each time she woke up before her head hit the bed. I just can't win. Either I sit and hold her while she gets the sleep that she desperately needs, or I let her stay awake and then we are both miserable. I know she will grow out of it soon, but sometimes it is more than I can handle.
I could blog after bedtime, but Emily stays up until at least 10:00, which is my fault, and by then I am ready for bed too. I need to transition her to an earlier bedtime, but then she would wake up earlier and ugh! I think I'd rather sleep late. Have I mentioned how much I like sleep?
How do other mothers do it? Do other mothers do it, or do they just make us all think that they do? Am I the only one that feels this way?
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